Being a news anchor or live/on-air reporter has got to be one of the worst jobs. I know people have their opinions about watching the news. During my typical work week, I don’t normally make time to sit down and watch the news. For some people, that’s a big part of their routine. I do read headlines online to stay in the know. On occasion I do like to tune in to the local news or to the Today Show. My local news station really likes to dramatize things. Everyone is a victim and worthy of a news story. The weather man is elated as he announces a cold front moving in. The main anchors for the news have to sound really excited – or really serious – depending on the topic at hand. They may have to be able to switch quickly. I often wonder, what if they’re constipated or just got in an argument with their spouse prior to arriving on set? What if you’re a news anchor and you’re late – because you get stuck by the train or couldn’t find your shoes, or whatever? Oh, I’d never make it.

Here’s another thing – I ask my husband if I’m pretty enough to be a Fox News anchor. Even the men wear make-up, more than I’ve worn in my entire life. The women have perfect skin, are tall, slender blondes with flawless hair, form-fitting dresses, and high heels. My tummy rolls would poke through my dress and I’d undoubtedly forget to cross my legs on the sofa, naturally adopting more of a hip abducted pose suitable to the yoga pants I’m used to wearing. I probably wouldn’t even make it to the sofa in those heels. I’d be starving, I’m sure and my heart would be racing. I’d smudge my make-up while rubbing my eyes and be eager to pull my hair-sprayed mane back in a messy bun. Someone hand me a sports bra and a hoodie too, please. My face would show that I’m hangry or over the story. I don’t think I could make my eyes big enough when covering a story on sexual harassment, border control, or coronavirus. I’d jumble my words too probably, as there’s no backspace or delete button on live TV.

The closest I get to live-time TV is unexpected run-ins with old friends. This has already happened twice this week. I get a similar feeling every day at work, but more in the form of seeing an old acquaintance every 4-6 months. I feel this way with my mother too, on holidays. The feeling is one of embarrassment almost. Insecurity, or discomfort. I feel scrutinized. I often catch people’s (especially women’s) eyes traversing up and down my body, the way a cat watches a bird descend and ascend along a branch. I feel like a biopsied tissue under a microscope. “What is she wearing?” “She’s short.” “She’s put on weight.” “She looks too young.” “This is it?” “What’s with her hair? Did she brush it?” “Her complexion looks funny. Maybe she’s cold.” The list goes on. Maybe this is just my inner critical self talking to my self-conscious self. If this even makes sense (I sort of see why my husband accuses me of being crazy sometimes). See, I’d get into an argument with myself on air. 

At least in one of my run-ins with old friends, I did look presentable – more along the lines of a local news anchor (not quite Fox News status, but second best). I had on a lacey green dress and my hair was straightened and pinned back up top. I looked decent but was uncomfortable. The second run-in was with a former co-worker. I was on mile 4 of my run, so I was about as rough-looking as they come. My ponytail was straightened, legs last shaved 4 days prior, black t-shirt, sunglasses, short black running shorts, purple running shoes, smudged sunscreen and chapped lips, ashy legs with Vaseline smeared in at the thighs – one of my more “natural” looks. My old friend still hugged me.

My patients cycle through every few months, some as often as every three. Many have been with me for three years now, trusting me enough to be their primary care provider. My parents still ask to see me on holidays. My best friend since age 16 texted me to hang out today. My husband of nearly eight years – and he’s seen it all – still wants to live with me. Old friends still hug me, even in the midst of a pandemic. So maybe the negative talk is just in my head. Maybe I should relax and accept myself, focus on how I hold my shoulders, speak my words, and interact with others. My daily life is “live.” I appreciate those who see the worst (my husband and friends) and still accept me and love me.

So I’ll keep my current gig as wife, friend, primary care provider, runner. I’m comfortable here. I still have all the respect in the world for the news anchors. They’re doing something right, as I and many others are still tuning in. Sorry if we’re critical. The saying is true – the tough keep going when the going gets tough. Maybe this is what it is to be human.