Most people have nightmares/dreams about being chased, being assaulted, being in plane crashes or natural disasters. Me, I have dreams of letting people down. Putting on the completely transparent/vulnerable hat here: it’s a deep root in my psyche. I’ve attended a few therapy sessions in my life (about 4 years ago). Through some rapid-eye-movement-talk-therapy-complex processing I discovered that my fear of being a disappointment/letting people down is what drives my anxiety (at the time heart palpitations and panic attacks). It’s why I can’t relax. And I couldn’t tell you where it comes from. If we go far enough back, it probably has its origins in my childhood (although I had a great childhood). I’ve always compared myself to others: am I smart enough, fast enough, tough enough, pretty enough, good enough? It’s silly that I compare myself to others. One of the things I love about running is that I can compete with myself (of course while competing with others 😉). But it’s about running my race, improving my time. I’ll never sprint like Usain Bolt. It would be ridiculous to compare myself to him. And I’ll never run an 18 or 19 minute 5k like some of the other local women.

So my dream last night, inspired by The Real Doctor Will See You Shortly by Dr. Matt McCarthy (which I’ve been reading before bed): I was in training as a physician or nurse of some type at a hospital. I was thrown into the emergency room and had to draw blood on patients among other things. I remember a very strong feeling in the dream of being out of place, like I was grossly unprepared and simply just not a good fit for what I was doing. At some point during down time, I actually got to sit at a table across from Matt McCarthy. I thanked him for writing his book, a chronicle of his first year as a physician in which he shares a lot of mistakes he made and the sheer sense of feeling overwhelmed. My conversation in the dream with him was brief. The clock struck a certain time and the floodgates broke in the ER. Everyone sprung into action. At some point a woman was oozing serous fluid from her arm and I had to put an IV in. Eek. Another nurse/tech did check to see if I was ok.

After the brief whirlwind in the ER, I was to report to my supervisor. I showed up in his office. He held some unclear position of authority, like a dean of a school program. I stood before him as a defendant on trial would stand before a judge about to hear a verdict. The man motioned to a report that apparently had my name on it but which I hadn’t actually written. I tried to defend myself, stating that that wasn’t my report, that I’d never seen it before. He told me that it was grossly subpar and that I could no longer attend the program. My heart was racing and heavy, I had that horrible feeling of letting someone down. I remember thinking that Richard would be disappointed too. Other people popped up in this man’s small office. I was embarrassed in front of them all. I was not good enough. I didn’t make the cut in this competitive program. I then walked around the hospital/school a little until my alarm went off.

The feeling of letting people down is a horrible one. I’ve had a few instances in my life. There’s shame, like an uncovering of my faults and imperfections. I remember a few years ago when I met with my boss, out of the gate the meeting didn’t go well. She was quick to point out the fact that I didn’t see very many patients (i.e., that my performance wasn’t the best). As a wee 14-year-old, my dad had to come pick me up from a basketball court where I was playing basketball with grown men in an effort to improve my skills. The look on his face said it all. Disappointment. The ridiculous instance in which my husband and I were in the Orange County airport and I was afraid of the elevator door getting me – I ended up on one side of the elevator, he on the other. The look on his face. Disappointment. It’s a horrible feeling. And a little secret – to this day – I feel that way around my own parents. Like they’re disappointed I don’t have children or that I’m not prettier or that I don’t live up to a standard. These things might all just be in my head.

You know what comforts me immensely: any time I’ve disclosed my shortcomings to my husband, he’s always met me with grace and an “ahh, that’s okay!” while continuing to hang out with me (because he actually wants to!). And of the coolest visions (if you will) that I’ve ever had was in fact during therapy, when I played along with the rapid-eye-movement processing thing: the therapist, through a series of steps, led me eventually to a dark cave. The feelings of being a disappointment or a let-down made me go into a cave, all alone. But you know who was there? Jesus. Haha. And he had nothing but mercy and grace and love for me. Like a good friend, he gently asked me, “What are you doing here?” with a little smile on his face. “You don’t belong here,” he said. And he walked me out of the cave. Like there is no shame. Like I’m not a failure. He died for me. He must like me, in that event. And the story goes that if I trust in him, when I stand before THE Judge, I will receive a verdict of not guilty and of good enough.” The same’s true of you – whatever lies run through your head. Believe the truth: God says you’re enough. ~