Have you ever had to distance yourself from people in your life? I have. It’s not pleasant but sometimes it’s necessary if you want to progress toward a well-defined goal such as being a better spouse or better employee or obtaining your degree or even just having more peace in your life. I’ve been thinking lately about the attributes of a person that cause me to want to make distance from them.

In the case of one particular person, it was the constantly negative outlook on life, a genuine and deep pessimism that would try to taint everyone and any hope of a fun time or of a good thing. I remember my first impression of this woman: she’s a complainer, I thought. And that held true the more I got to know her. Everything was a damper. She was a victim. Life was everyone’s fault. One time I invited her to get a massage and her response was to complain about how she was once injured by a masseuse during a massage. I couldn’t win. It got to the point that I stopped asking the perfunctory “How are you?” Our relationship then progressed to me hiding from her when I’d see her, in the hopes I wouldn’t become ensnared in a depressing conversation.

Another person I wanted to distance myself from because I felt she didn’t respect my boundaries. When I said I couldn’t make it to a holiday gathering, I was harassed like a movie star among the paparazzi. And this was by a person I don’t even really know that well/have a year-round relationship with. Nobody wants to be nagged. No means no. I ended up blocking her number.

Others I’ve wanted to limit my time around possess the following traits: crude language, loudness for no reason other than to be raucous, drunkenness (interesting how this and the former two traits often go together), laziness, meanness, gossip.

It’s easy to see the flaws of others. I started thinking, what are the traits I possess that drive other people away from me? We all have them. That’s a scary thing to think of. But it’s pretty bad when someone actively wants to get away from you. So, the results of my soul-searching yielded this: I have a tendency to be too much of a hermit/introvert. I could probably make more of an effort to reach out to the lady friends in my life that I enjoy spending time with to let them know I appreciate their friendship and am available for an hour to go for a walk, work out, or meet for coffee. Another, as much as I hate to admit it, is complaining/ranting. I’m blessed to have a wonderfully supportive husband. I tell him that he’s like my verbal journal on our walks. Sometimes after work he’ll listen to me “blaaaaahhhhh” or vent for a solid 30 minutes. I do try to interject solutions to my problems or simply preface everything with “I’m just trying to figure things out and it helps me to talk it out.” But the poor man can probably only handle so much wining. Hence, journaling and prayer. Impatience. Again, I hate to admit it. Rushing people when they talk or not letting them finish. I hate that about myself. It can lead me to miss out on something important a person has to say. It can make me dismissive. I’ve seen it scathe others, even the man I vowed to loved till death. I’m sure I have many more character flaws, but these are the main ones that come to mind for now. I need to defeat some gremlins in my life in order to not drive people away. It can be done. I think it starts with identifying the problem.

To end on a positive note, I like to think of some people I’ve met in life who I’ve been attracted to for various reasons. What has made me want to hang out with them? Answer: kindness, encouragement, generosity, gratitude, peace, joy, humility. I’ve met some people who exude joy or just leak out peace. And who doesn’t love a person who gives freely from the heart? I like positive people: those who always speak life and see what’s good in everything. Fun people are – fun. Ha. One of my best friends is just a fun person. She likes to explore, be outside, and just enjoy the company of others. I hope we can all gravitate toward the positive attributes. It’s at least worth a shot. 😊 ~