My heart hammers as I think about it

A 30 min drive I dread

It’s Christmas

I should be resolute but I’m conflicted instead

My husband stayed behind with his family

I said I’d go see mine so I do

I don’t want to be there

But in 30 minutes I’m here

A place I’ve been every holiday before

30-some years

But it’s so different now

Many have come and gone

Our conversation is shallow

“Hiiii,”

Words exchanged with people I don’t know

There’s awkward eye contact

One plucks my nerves but I’m too timid (?or patient?) to react

I wish this along

My brother and I have a minute alone in the dining room

It’s bright

He asks what I’m thinking: “Can we leave soon?”

There’s small talk at the table as my dad eats a potato

The meat’s undercooked

I’m not hungry

“Are you Maggie’s sister?,” my mother asks of the kid scooping peas

“Brother,” he says from a mouth shrouded behind long hair

“Pass the butter please,” says my cousin

We make small talk of raccoons, coyotes, foxes, and hare

I look at my watch then my phone – out the window

Plotting my escape if I dare

Hoping my regret doesn’t show

My husband was right

He’s at home having a great night

These are my relatives

It’s a holiday

But I feel like a derelict

I grab my coat and give a few hugs

This is tough

I get outside to my car, hop in and sob

But just for a minute

I give thanks to God

For marriage

For time past: parents, grandparents, cousins, young kids

For those lost to cancer, age, even suicide

Most of all for my husband, my pride – the one I chose and still do

I drive home full of hope

For I have a perfect excuse for next year

And all the ones to come

I’ll spend them with my husband at home

And I’ll have no remorse

That’s my choice

Decisiveness – a wonderful force

Peacefully, gladly

We’ll make new memories

Being where we want to be